woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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