Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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