my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
