i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
