I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
How naked do you want me to be?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
