My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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