If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
