These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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