I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
