just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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