Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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