I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
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He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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