I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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