Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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