If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
