well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
