So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
