She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
