the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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