my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
