The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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