Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night