I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
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Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
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apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company