One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
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I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
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Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome