My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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