My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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