Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
