Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
