tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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