You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
