Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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