Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
