Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You blew him?!?!
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"