Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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