i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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