meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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