Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
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Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
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I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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