matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
