Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
