Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
