he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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