i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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