I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
