We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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