Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
