did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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