You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
