I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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