Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
