well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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