The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
