I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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