On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize