I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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