Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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