just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Please, let me fuck your mom
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
