I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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