saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I want a musical about memes.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
