Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
