I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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