True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
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I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
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i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....