I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities